Living As An Essential Worker During COVID-19

I love being at home. I am such a homebody, such an introvert. I am also exceptionally sensitive, so after being out in the world in contact with 100s of people, being at home rejuvenates.  I could find endless activity to bring me joy and delight while I am home. I could tend my garden, or just exist near my beloved plants. I could write, or sing, or dance, or watch, or draw, or color, or craft, or create. I could meditate, stretch, share reiki with myself or others. I could teach myself something, get lost in a book or on the Internet. I could try on my clothes and then purge a bunch of stuff or reorganize. I could cook all the yummy food. There is an endless list of creative pleasurable mischief that I get into when I am home. This moment was made for me.

It feels ironic to have loved ones, friends, strangers, government officials, digital devices, and pretty much the world tell me to stay home, to please stay home, but find myself unable to comply. 

We find ourselves drafted for a war most people are fighting in isolation.

Absolutely Necessary, Extremely Important, Indispensable: Essential

I am part of the group of working class people who have been deemed essential. 

There are so many of us in the country who are unable to join the quarantine. We are living through a pandemic. but much as we may want, we are unable to comply with the guidelines for keeping ourselves safe during this pandemic, even if many of us would relish an opportunity to stay home with our families. 

We have been deemed “essential,” and our safety does not outweigh our essential duty.  We are in the factories and warehouses. On farms and highways. Walking up doorsteps or packaging goods. We are making sure the water is clean, the trash is collected, the electricity is sparking. We are here to ensure the quarantine is as comfortable as possible, and that the world doesn’t fall apart while the rest of us shelter in place.

We are hell bent on protecting some lives at the expense of others.

Some of us, myself included work in positions where we have a lot of contact with people. Our job description has not changed, but it seems the hazards have. 

For most of us still out here, there is no choice. This is a choice between food and no food. On time payments or evictions and shut offs. We could stay home but for those of us who live paycheck to paycheck, we need our hours. We are now asked to possibly trade our lives, or the lives of our loved ones for minimum wage. Our employers do not have to not provide us with health insurance, or paid sick leave while we perform our essential duties in the face of this pandemic

Witnessing a Shift

Those of you at home have not had to witness the shift. 

But I have. 

It’s different out there now. 

We have given fear control.

Fear and panic grow, spread, and take root.

People are different.

Fear’s many faces manifest differently on everyone.

Our interactions are different. 

Fears and worries begin to influence our behavior. 

We are asked to keep our distance. Everyone has pretty much decided that is in our best interest. We stand six feet apart. There is tape on the ground and we are learning what that means. We wear masks and gloves to protect ourselves from the world.

We can joke about the apocalypse but a world ruled by fear is a scary place.

We distrust the air around us. We are suspicious of everything we touch. We are self conscious if we need to cough or sneeze, or touch our face. We are not talking to each other. We are making wide circles to avoid each other. We are suspicious of others. We are stressed. We are scared. We are trying to be ourselves.

Normally used up or consumed in service; more easily replaced than protected: Expendable

People say “my mom is not expendable,” the quarantine must continue. While I am stocking groceries next to mothers, grandmothers, brothers, uncles, sons, daughters, lovers, friends who are also not expendable. Yet, we find ourselves wondering if maybe we are expendable.

Very clear lines are being drawn right now. 

It is clearer than ever that in this country, certain lives are valued and put above the lives of others. It seems to me like we are hell bent on protecting some lives at the expense of others. It has always been this way. Seeing it so clearly now, makes me livid.

A customer glimpsed a bunch of us walking into the store just before open and told me when I was ringing her groceries, “you all looked like you were preparing for battle.”

Truthfully that is how it feels. 

Those of us out there are afraid, so afraid. We try to keep our own panic at bay. We  tell ourselves this is not a big deal, that other people are overreacting. We mask it but the fear is there. I feel it. We can all feel it. Afraid for ourselves. Afraid for everyone we love. Especially afraid for loved one we share our homes with. Everyone of us is afraid we might bring this virus back to our families. We are worried about that tickle in our throat. And did we wash our hands enough? 

We worry for each other. We are treated by some like we have the plague because of our high exposure rate. We stew in the collective fear and panic counting the minutes till we clock out. We wish we could be home with our families during this pandemic. We wish we could grasp at a feeling of safety and security found within our home or at least feel some control over our lives. 

But alas, we find ourselves drafted for a war most people are fighting in isolation. We have been deemed “essential.” This places us on the front lines of a war not just our immune system is fighting. This is a battle against personal and collective fear, panic, grief and confusion and we are armed with alcohol wipes and gloves. 

Negotiating Fear

We lift the boxes. We fill the shelves. We bag the food. We take the money. We do our best to play the role of helpful customer service worker. We joke and smile trying to help ourselves forget this insanity. We try to act normal. We keep our heads down. We try to keep our spirits up. We try to focus on the positives.  We find reasons to be grateful. We shield ourselves from the fear. We go home and try to piece ourselves back together so we can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

People say that we are on the front lines, that we are heroes. This is not quite what I imagined when my younger self said I was going to help heal the world. 

It’s different out there now.  We can joke about the apocalypse but a world ruled by fear is a scary place.

The alarms have been sounded, the defenses have been raised, we are on guard and ready to protect ourselves. We have experienced so much change in the past 10 days, we are facing so much unknown, we are scared and we have collectively moved into a place of pure survival. When we leave the safety of our homes, we function in straight up “fight or flight” mode.

Many are still out here sharing hope. I see you smiling and being carefree. Thank you for that reminder. We all need that. It is hard to hold onto hope out there. 

It is hard to describe just how debilitating it is to walk into this fear soaked world that is our current reality. 

I feel pretty great about life when my Monday rolls around. I spend my weekend with my safe quarantine family here in NOLA. We did all the things that we love doing, the things that make us feel good and help us process this. We ate delicious food and celebrated it by expressing and feeling pure pleasure and immense gratitude. We played music and sang songs, and sat in the sun, and wrote and created. We watched the bees and the butterflies and the birds fly by and took bike rides to trees and water. 

So going into work I felt pretty good, but things are different now.

It’s unnerving to see people in masks and gloves and still feel safe at work. It’s draining to see fear reflected on so many faces, and still hold onto hope. It is disheartening to feel so much anger and uncertainty in the air and still feel joyous and hopeful.  It is hard to describe just how debilitating it is to walk into this fear soaked world that is our current reality. 

I try to interact with people genuinely and authentically but can feel their walls, their defenses, so I back off. They don’t dislike my interaction but they are suspicious. I try to share love and light and it becomes hard to maintain when I feel their fear and confusion. I can sense that people are pulling away, I can feel myself pull away. We are socially distancing ourselves from each other.

We are doing what we can to survive this. 

There is so much fear. I feel my fear. I also feel everyone else’s fear. 

I am exhausted. I am angry.  I’m very angry. 

I wish more than anything that I could be home away from this.  I move toward acceptance of my role in this transition. This is how I am supposed to serve during this crisis. This situation is testing all of us.

Being of Service

I am part of a group of essential workers who create space for people to find normalcy by feeding themselves during a time of intense crisis. I can accept this for myself, I am working to accept this. I am grateful that I work for a company that treats its employees pretty well considering.

In a time when we could not be farther apart, it is essential that we come together to demand that essential workers are compensated for their service in the face of this pandemic.

We are all beginning to see how companies are responding to prioritizing their employees safety over profit. Some are really stepping up and leveraging resources to make sure we all make it through this. Other companies had mass layoffs, laying off sometimes up to 95% of their staff. Some companies are just not paying their employees at all. They are putting a pause on the paycheck but will press play on employment when this is all over. Some companies are just non-responsive, it’s business as usual. As time goes on we are seeing creative ways that people are coming together to ensure we all make it through this in one piece.

In a time when we could not be farther apart, it is essential that we come together to demand that essential workers are compensated for their service in the face of this pandemic.

This is what I think is essential:

During the pandemic:

• Hazard pay for all essential workers
• Sick leave for all Essential workers
• Health Care for all Essential Workers
• Paid time off for all Essential workers with high risk factors

If we really feel appreciative of all the essential workers out there ensuring we have a comfortable quarantined life, then maybe we should all demand that these, absolutely necessary, extremely important, indispensable, essential workers are compensated and treated with respect and dignity.

Or should we continue to expose ourselves and be grateful for $7.25/hour (minimum wage in Louisiana) while we sacrifice our safety and the safety of our loved ones.

Quarantine is a privilege.

Nobody’s free until we are all free.

Justice for all workers. 

In a time when we could not be farther apart, it is essential that we come together to demand that essential workers are compensated for their service in the face of this pandemic.