Hurt people hurt people. I know that because when I was young I hurt a lot of people.
When I was around 14 during a youth trip to Europe I had some adults treat me like I was up to no good. They targeted me and another girl as ringleaders in a band of trouble makers. They punished me for things I never did and treated me like I was inherently bad. They hyper sexualized me and warned the other girls of my nefarious influence. All of this happened while I was miles away from the people I love and trust. I was disconnected from my support systems. It left me feeling abandoned and alone, attacked and ashamed. It is incredibly damaging to the spirit to have others assume the worst of us.
Like many young people who have adults assume the worst of them: I became what they told me I was.
As a 14 year old, trying to find my place in the world, preparing to enter high school, I did what most adolescents do when they are hurting: I acted out, specifically I acted out those adults’ ideas of me: I pulled away from my family and I threw myself at boys. I was “seeking love in all the wrong places”, as they say. I was ashamed of what had happened. I was pissed off. I was embarrassed. I was confused. I did not know how to ask for the love and validation that I desperately sought. (A reminder to us all to remember that anger is often a veil hiding our more vulnerable emotions.)
It is incredibly damaging to the spirit to have others assume the worst of us.
From my perspective, the adults in my life had let me down. I did not know how to ask for help. As a result, I isolated myself from those closest to me. This is a common response to feeling ashamed, we pull away or close off our loved ones. I was scared of what they would think of me. I was scared of losing love. So rather than let them abandon me or be disappointed in me, I pulled away first, as a means to try to protect myself. I did all this because I was a hurt little girl who wanted love and validation. I think my little girl brain was testing them, like if they come get me and try to stop me then that means they love me. Unfortunately my parents took the stand of: “give her space and she will come back to us.”As a result, I acted out my trauma all over the place.
As I entered high school, I (unconsciously) made decisions from this traumatized, hurt space. I had been branded a “hyper-sexualized ringleader” and in my pissed off rage I responded with a “oh yeah.. Is that what you think? Well watch this!” Like many young people who have adults assume the worst of them: I became what they told me I was.
I did a lot of things that I am ashamed of. I betrayed some people and broke some hearts. And in the end I mostly hurt myself.
I started finding my worth in what boys thought of me, whether they liked me, were attracted to me or wanted to be with me (sexually, I was not in a space to have any kind of relationship). I used that one power women have always been “allowed” to have: my sexual power. Mind you this is adolescence, during the sexual awakening associated with puberty, when our reproductive organs start to gear up for procreation and our hormones are unpredictable and new. An awkward time for many of us, full of experimentation and embarrassment.
We do not teach young people how to negotiate and respect sexual boundaries (or any boundaries). We have instead chosen the “Just say no,” or “because I said so” approach, which does little to teach our young people how to navigate their personal desires and boundaries.
I hurt many people with my sexual antics. I was too hurt myself to really hold space for others. Like many teenagers, I was not thinking about the consequences of my actions. It all definitely toed the line with problematic given how young I was and given the power dynamics in some of the situations. Sometimes I was taken advantage of, sometimes I took advantage. I did a lot of things that I am ashamed of. I betrayed some people and broke some hearts. And in the end I mostly hurt myself.
I also want to name that much of the actual intimacy and physical contact I experienced in my teenage years I enjoyed. One of my love languages is physical touch, and in our sexually repressed puritanical society there are not a lot of options for healthy touch in our teenage years. For many reasons, I internalized a lot of negative impressions of myself.
Our society does not know how to hold our youth through their sexual awakening. How we talk about sexuality in this country is very damaging to those of us trying to have healthy relationships with our sexuality. We do not teach young people how to negotiate and respect sexual boundaries (or any boundaries). We have instead chosen the “Just say no,” or “because I said so” approach, which does little to teach our young people how to navigate their personal desires and boundaries. Much has been said about how damaging the virgin/whore dynamic is on the psychic of young people, so I will not go into that nuanced dynamic.
Needless to say, I have spent a lot of time unpacking and healing from this situation. This one situation does not define me and yet I made a lot of decisions because of the unhealed pain from this time in my adolescence. I also internalized a lot of negative self talk because of the shame associated with this time of my life.
My mind constantly time traveled thinking of the future or the past, but I have no power there. All my power is in the present moment.
I say all this to say that yes, hurt people, hurt people. But healed people, heal people.
And it is possible for us to heal ourselves.
Many of us are walking around with open unhealed wounds. These wounds of ours keep getting inflamed and irritated without us consciously knowing why. We lash out at others, blame others for harming us when often it is not the other people, but the open wounds that need to be tended. Some of these wounds we may not even remember getting, they may be some generational but regardless of where and when the wound originated, we have the power to heal it in the NOW. And I believe it is our responsibility to heal our wounds.
When we can get embodied and present we can heal the wounds and hurts that we are avoiding. We need to get out of our heads, out of our rational brain and into our bodies. That is where healing happens.
Healing is not always easy but I have found it is well worth the effort. For years I could never be present with myself because it brought up all the shame and pain of this experience. I did everything I could to avoid feeling that pain and so I was rarely present and turned to substances and TV to numb the pain I felt. My mind constantly time traveled thinking of the future or the past, but I have no power there. All my power is in the present moment. And so while I was disempowered by those adults, I continued to disempower myself by never being embodied, and metabolizing the pain, shame, grief. I had to learn how to heal and metabolize that pain in hopes of reconciling my relationship with myself so I could move on to live the life I wanted (rather than constantly trying to manage my pain).
Each of us that chooses to heal and metabolize past pain and trauma are creating the better way. We are choosing not to continue the cycle of harm but to interrupt it and heal.
When we can learn to be embodied in the present moment we can begin to tap in out our true power. There is great power in the now, even if it is sometimes painful. When we can get embodied and present we can heal the wounds and hurts that we are avoiding. We need to get out of our heads, out of our rational brain and into our bodies. That is where healing happens
It is not necessarily easy, but it is necessary.
Because the truth is that if we want healing and wholeness, then at some point we need to sit with the pain and shame of what has happen. We do not need to do this alone. In fact I do not think that we should do it alone.
We are not alone. There are many of us on the planet right now working to create a healing solution. There is a better way and it is coming because we are choosing it. We are the way.
Each of us that chooses to heal and metabolize past pain and trauma are creating the better way. We are choosing not to continue the cycle of harm but to interrupt it and heal.
I am here to help us find a healed way forward, Often forward is actually cyclical. I am not perfect. I am a wounded healer. I am constantly trying to find a better way because I believe that we are more than our wounds. I believe that healing our wounds can help us grow up. From this grown up space, maybe we can choose a healed way.
Hurting each other is not working.
Healing ourselves could get us somewhere better.
