I’ve been on a journey toward unconditional self love for my whole life, although I didn’t know that until recently.
In November of 2014, I had an intensely emotional, some what devastating, life changing experience that brought me to the realization that I did not love myself. I liked myself. I gave off the impression that I loved myself, but in reality I did not really love myself.
Self loathing and hateful thoughts came much easier to me than loving and compassionate thoughts. If I made a mistake, my inner dialogue would immediately go toward “I hate myself” or “I’m so stupid.” I would catch myself doing this and would either cut off the thought and try to pretend like that didn’t just happen, or I would say something like: “no, I love myself”- but I didn’t really believe this to be true.
I was loving and compassionate toward other people, but not myself.
As 2014 ended, I was forced to really look at my insecurities, and my self worth issues. Many of these stemmed from beliefs that did not serve me: I valued myself because others found me attractive. I measured myself against others, and felt worthy because I thought I was better than “them.” I felt lovable because other people loved me.
These deeply held beliefs, that I hadn’t recognized or admitted to myself before, came to the surface. After weeks of processing, crying, art making, and long chats, I realized I needed to change. It wasn’t easy. I spend lot of time feeling upset, angry, hurt, and sad. Everything felt wrong. I felt restless.
I was ready to make a change.
I started by setting my intention for unconditional self love.
I reconnected with Louis Hay and started listening to positive affirmations in the morning when I got ready, and while I drove to and from work. I listened to one of her audio books, “Meditations to Heal Your Life”, while I cooked or did chores. I found a short “perfect day meditation” and started doing when I woke up. I made art (mainly: zen tangles, mandalas, or scenescapes), I journal a lot (sometimes I just wrote out the affirmations), I spent time with people who loved me and whose opinion and guidance I valued and respected, and I spent a lot of time by myself.
When I first started listening to the affirmations, I didn’t really believe them, but I said them anyway and kept an open mind. I let the words wash over me.
I focused on my goal: unconditional self love. That goal inspired me and kept me going.
The song “I am light” by India Arie became one of my go to songs. I found one of India Arie’s albums at the library when I was in high school, her songs spoke to me. They made me feel powerful. They made me feel loving. They made me feel forgiving. They made me feel hopeful. They made me feel, and embracing my feelings has always been hard for me. Since then India Arie has been one of my go to artists when I need to feel empowered or comforted. (“I Choose”, “Private Party”, “There’s Hope” are some of my go-tos)
I can’t remember the exact day, but after a couple of months of listening to a lot of different affirmations, I felt a change. I was repeating the affirmation “I really love myself” and in that moment I felt it it, I did love myself!
If I find myself going down a path of negatively, criticism, and hate, I no longer beat myself up, it’s now much easier to be kind and loving to myself. I tell myself: “I am Light”, “I love myself”, “I know how to love myself” or something along those lines, and I feel better. The hateful thoughts came less and less, and at this point I hardly have them. When I’m walking somewhere (if I’m not listening to music), I will repeat “I love myself, I love myself, I know how to love myself”, and I find that by the time I get where I am going I feel worthy and loved.
This is an ongoing journey, but it began because when I felt hurt and betrayed I choose to look at myself. Instead of only blaming the person who brought those feelings to the surface, I choose to ask myself why I felt the feelings I felt.
I looked within myself and found that I needed to make a change.
It took time. I am still working on it. But I made a choice.
I chose unconditional self love.
and I continue to choose it every day.
