Six months ago I quit smoking. I released a habit that had been with me for half my life, 15 years. Smoking was woven into my identity, my self care and my spiritual practices. Leading up to making the decision to quit, the thought of quitting, the fear around changing my behaviors, caused me more anxiety than actually quitting. In the past 6 months, I had to totally redefine my self care and spiritual practices. I feel fantastic. Rather than being dependant on an outside substance, I found within me the power to care from myself.
I began smoking in high school after a falling out with my friend group. My actions contributed to the falling out and I blamed myself. I felt very alone and ashamed at the time. I did not know who to trust. I did not know how to trust myself. Smoking was there to hold me when I did not know how to let others in. When I felt scared and alone, I could smoke.
Cigarettes became my most trusted friend. My shield. My protection. A way to break the ice. A way to step away. A natural break in my daily rhythm. A way to start the day, end the day. A support anytime I need it. No rejection, just deep smokey breaths and temporary relief.
This is how I cared for myself.
After a time, smoking was so much more than just a friend or security blanket. It became a medicine. A spiritual practice. A self care practice. A way to cope. A way to reset. A way to reflect. A way to find peace. A way to connect with myself. A way to connect with higher powers.
I rolled my own cigarettes so the whole experience was immensely tactile, a physical ritual to ground me in my body, and bring be back to myself. Smoking was a socially acceptable escape, full of deep breathing. An activity that brought me outside regardless of the seasons or weather. It was 10 minutes of deep breathing, breath holding, long releases–even if the breath was full of smoke, it is deeper than most of us breath on a normal basis. Often my journal would accompany me while I smoked, and so creative releases, reflections, musings, manifestation of dreams were a part of this practice. In recent years I mixed in other herbs like lavender, chamomile, mugwort, mullin, yerba santa, with my organic tobacco so the smoke smelled good (compared to commercial tobacco). Smoke, in some communities, is believed to be a way to communicate and connect with other realms. I feel like towrds the end, when my intention called forth support, that as the smoke surround me, I was connected with the energies of those guides.
A way to escape…
it was not just tobacco that I released. I depended heavily on the medicine of the marijana plant. I smoked more pot than most people in my life knew. I was, for the most part, a functional pot head, teetering on the side of unhealthy addiction. I smoked everyday. Multiple times a day. I micro-dosed, mixing small amounts of bud into my tobacco and other herbal mixture- Splifs as most people know them.
As an extremely sensing and empathic person with a strong sense of what it Right, this world is exceptionally trying on my soul. I cannot comprehend, understand what we have done and continue to do. During the past 10 years, this practice of smoking pot helped me survive this world. It took the edge off. It dulled my senses, my reactions and responses. All the things that happen in this world that make me feel like a crazy person, did not set me off into a rampage. All the things I saw that did not make sense, no longer threw off my balance. People who blatantly disrespected life, no longer cut me so deep. The reality of our world did not strike me so hard. I could find space to breath. I could find space to rest. I could find ways to heal and recharge. I could move through our world with more ease.
But I did not come here to take the easy road. With the support of community, I finally accepted that I could no longer dull the intensity of my emotions. My emotions are here to move me to action. The reason I feel so deeply, see so much, sense so broadly is because I am here to do something, change something, teach something.
And so, the decision was made. And once this stubborn lady makes a decision it is done.
I found a way to let go of these habits that were more of a crutch than medicine.
I had to let go because my light was dimmed by the smokey fog.
I had to let go because I cannot get where I am going the same way I got here.
I had to let go because I want to feel what I am meant to feel so it can guide me forward towards my destiny.
And so I celebrate my 6 month anniversary of releasing my dependence on smoking with much joy and gratitude in my heart. I do not judge myself for my past, for it perfectly guided me here.
Thank you to everyone who supports me in this process.
